annoyatron: crickets and tumbleweed

My Protestant Hannukah

If you aren’t familiar with southern family values around the holidays, let me show you what your are ~~luckily~~ missing.

12/19
Christmas with mother. She’s the blacksheep so that’s seperate from the rest of the family. She’s a recovering alcoholing so no alcohol is involved.

12/20
Christmas with close friends/coworkers. Damn blue laws mean no alcohol purchased on Sunday. Plus the whole don’t get drunk in front of co-workers thing still applies.

12/21-12/22
It’s all a blur. Last minute shopping combined with massive consumption of alcohol occurs in preparation of the remaining events of the week.

12/23 PM
Personal Christmas. Should be nice, will instead be naughty…and not in a good way. Usually involves bitching about budgets and limits and how quickly things can be returned. No alcohol because wife is a tee-totaler and won’t accept consumption on this “special” night.

12/24 - AM
Have intimate lunch with 200 of your ~~dreaded~~ favorite inlaws. Watch as each individual branch of the family forms it’s own little protective tribe to ward off the assault of outsiders. All are either Independent or Seperate Baptists, so still no alcohol.

12/24 - PM
Dinner at closest in-laws. Sit in the corner don’t move or they’ll see you and require you to listen to the same stories all over again. Plus…no alcohol.

12/25 - AM
Show up at my father’s house. Yes dad, I’ll go to your office before everybody gets here and work on your computers. This would be a prime opportunity for the consumption of alcohol, but alas, it is a dry county.

12/25 - Noon
Finally make it back to father’s house. Yes I’m late, yes I realize the kids all hate me for making them wait. “It’s not my fault…dad told me to…nevermind.” And no, I don’t mind being the photographer again this year. No, no…it’s ok. The browbeating from last year for not getting “the” shot of your kid opening that present finally wore off about March.

12/25 - PM
Begin the removal of father’s Christmas decorations. Chaos ensues as ladders fall, someone goes to the hospital and I drop about 5 f-bombs in front of my impressionable neices and nephews.

12/26 - AM
I’m supposed to be heading home now to the comfort of my own bed and bottle of Sapphire, but noooooo…I’ve gotta go back and fix that server for dad because he somehow broke it in less than 4 hours.

12/26 - PM
Finally driving home. Stuck listening to country variations of Christmas music the whole way because they only have 3 radio stations. Still no alcohol because of the whole driving thing. I just want to crawl into bed and disappear for a few days at this point….that or blow my brains out.

12/27 - AM
No I do not want to go with you shopping. Yes I realize that you want to return every gift I gave you. No, no, no NO. You are a big girl now, take your own shit back without me.

12/27 - Noon
Fuck, I’m out shopping.

12/27 - PM
What do you mean I can’t purchase alcohol on Sundays. Motherfucker.

12/28
House to myself. Standing outside of the liquor store at 10am. Don’t talk to me, just sell me these 5 bottles. No, I don’t need your disapproving look.

This cracked me up bigtime! Especially the Sundays! I used to live in a dry county, so I had to drive 15 miles to buy a case of beer. And when I forgot that it was Sunday and that they don’t start selling until 12 noon, and I was there at 10am, I would be pissed and sit around for two hours waiting for my damn beer.

Source: theacerbic1